Candace

Wednesday May 26th9 07:48:29
Here I am, a 34 year old "Other Woman". I am at the bottom of the bottom of my relationship withTom, my once Best Friend, my once Lover, my once Dinner Date, my once Lunch Date, my once security, safety, warmth and love, my once Man that said He Hung the Moon for me, my once almost father of our unborn child. I was once a strong-willed confident aggressive pretty woman that is no longer able to work, smile, laugh or barely able to leave the house. I met Tom through work. I had known him for over a year, without any thought of an attraction, till last year around the Holidays. It started out as a means of loneliness for both of us, and our sexual needs and desires. Right away I saw something in him that was so rare and special.

We spent hours in my home talking to one another - talking about issues in my life as well as in his that neither of us had been able to ever express to another soul. It was so refreshing to have a man that actually "heard and listened" to every word that I said. He always gave me his full attention when he walked through these doors, and it was those nights together through talking, sharing, laughing, and crying together and pure open love making that I fell in love with Tom.

Tom is a handsome man with a full life at a young age of 41, with a successful career ... and a family. Tom has been married for 26 years. He married his school girlfriend at age5 when she became pregnant. He lives in the same town that he grew up in, and has never lived anywhere else. His children all went to the same High School that he attended, and his parents and he and his siblings all live within a few miles of one another. He attends church on a regular basis and is heavily involved there, even teaching a "Young Married Couples" class. (How Ironic, huh?) He's highly intelligent with an above IQ and is proud to be a member of MENSA. He attends school at night, working toward his Masters Degree, for the sake of a "self goal". His college years were cut short once he became a young husband and father and had to work to support them. He runs Marathons and reads every book - he can get his hands on. He had 3 children, 2 boys and a girl in that order. He intentionally fills his plate full in order to avoid his real emotions that he has learned for so many years to never expose to anyone. He stays busy and on the go - so he does not have to think about "How different he would do his life if only he had another chance." How could TOM ever find room in his life for a Mistress? He did. For the first time he was able to express himself - to open and trust - and it was that part of this man that I adored and cherished. His Family, Friends, Pastor and relatives do not have any idea who he really is, and never will. I was the one that knew the real TOM and for that I will forever be grateful. Tom's marriage has been "dead" for a long time. He had an affair 9 years ago - and attempted to leave his marriage at that time and was not strong enough. He shares a home with his wife where they do not communicate about any real issues and sleep in separate bedrooms and have not been intimate for years. He works long hours, goes to school and still maintains all household responsibilities, that include the laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, and paying all the bills, their children's college funds and financial support. He forever lives with GUILT and will remain in that LOVELESS marriage out of GUILT for the rest of his life. GUILT of the affair 9 years ago, GUILT of his Wife's pain of that affair, GUILT of his Oldest Name sake son's suicide 4 years ago, GUILT that his wife reminds him of on a daily basis of the Affair and their son's suicide. And now added GULIT about me, Candace. She blames TOM for TOM JR suicide. He has told me that and now I know that to be true, because she has also told me. TOM cried many a night in my arms over his son and the GUILT that he carries. An emotion that he is not capable of sharing with his wife or others. I held him and allowed him to hurt and I believe that he will always Love me for that.

TOM made me feel so beautiful. He made me feel so loved. And now I have none of that any longer. His sweet phone calls to me during the day were the sunshine of my life; our planned evenings together were the most precious things in my life. His sweet words to me all seemed so real, so real and so believing. He would show up at my place when I was not home and tie Balloons in my staircase and fix things in my home. He would send me beautiful flowers at work that made me tingle inside like a teenage girl. TOM never promised to leave his wife and family and I always knew that he would never be strong enough to do that. But he did promise many other things - He promised he would always be here for me and I would not lose him, he held me and loved me when we made the decision to abort OUR child 2 months ago. An act that I will always regret and forever haunt me. Now I am alone - Through the scars that were created when TOM and I could not be together when I needed him, and the insecurities of loving him and knowing that I could never be more than his secret love made me crazy. My hormones from the pregnancy and the hurt when he walked out of my door each time he had to go home
Created a monster in me that I could not control.

Our last evening together was beautiful as always, we met for dinner at a restaurant and sat outside on the patio and had a great dinner and drinks and talked till the rain started coming down, we headed home to my place and talked to one another on our car phones as we headed home. He was wearing a shirt that I had bought him that night and we listened to our favorite music and danced together in my home. We made sweet wonderful love and hugged and kissed and ... then like so many times before it was tine for him to leave, time for his traditional shower before leaving and time for me to walk downstairs and sneak a cigarette (a habit that he fussed at me about constantly) on my back patio. He came downstairs and instantly saw in my eyes, what he had seen so many times before - that look - that look of me begging him not to leave. And that night - he didn't, that night he just stayed longer and held me and kept pulling me toward him. He said to me that night "Candace - I want more than anything to leave here with you on of the mountain every time, that is my wish, that is what I strive for." He said he loved me and kissed me bye and left and like so many times before, my phone was ringing minutes after he left, just to say goodnight or to share a song he was listening to on the radio. He sent me an email that night that read "I think about falling asleep in your arms often and wonder what it would be like and I spend more time with you than anyone else in my life even though it may not seem like alot. Pleasant Dreams, Love Tom". I never slept that night. That was Tuesday, April 27th. Tuesday and Thursday were always our big date nights.

The next day came his phone calls, and we had our last lunch together that Wednesday at2:30 - I knew then, I knew as he walked me to my car and put his arms around me, on Wednesday after lunch and hugged me, that I had reached a point of pain that I could no longer control. The next four days are the worst of my life and I wish I could erase them forever. I went to his home that Wednesday Night, and met his wife and told her everything. The minute that I walked through that door, I lost TOM forever. I thought that ending it - would be the best thing for me - that the pain would s. But it only became worse. The next days were filled with pure humiliation of me begging him and him taking me to a hospital because I was threatening suicide and me actually taking an overdose and him finding me and me not remembering anything about all the horrible things that I did and said. I became this monster, I became the CRAZY person and he became the VICTIM in everyone's eyes. His life went on as normal - his wife would not leave him and he would not leave her. His family and friends were hurt - but they love him and will forgive and the emotional baggage and reasons for it all will never be discussed or truly revealed. I have become a depressed woman, and yes I am in therapy, and have medication and everything that you can advise me to do. And yes TIME will help, but how much time, it's been 30 days today and it hurts MORE and MORE. I have not seen him and only spoke to him once and it was empty and the man that I knew no longer exists, he has buried the TOM that he shared with me and will forever be buried to those around him. I call him and leave voice mails begging for answers to my questions. He does not return the calls, he does not respond. Some days are better than others are, but the rough days are brutal.

I have accepted that I will not have TOM in my life ever again. But I need him to answer so many questions, so many questions. Will that give me the closure that I need? I will never know - Because he will never give me that. The man that said HeHungTheMoonForMe and that he loved me no longer exists.

Tuesday Junest9 08:52:06
Why do I allow myself to feel so much hurt and pain from the breakup with Tom? He and I will see each other this week for "closure" in a controlled enviroment with my therapist.
I pray for strength to NOT shed a tear in front of him.
I pray for strength to hold my head up and portray the strong independent woman that he was first attracted to.
I pray for strength that when he reaches out to hug me bye in this meeting that my body response remains loose and numb to his touch as though he is not significant at all.
I pray that I walk out of that meeting first, straight out the door in a slow pace and never turn my head around to see him watching me.
But most of all - I pray that I truly take back my dignity that he has been carrying around with him for so long that I handed to him on a silver platter engraved with love. I pray that this will be true closure.

Monday June 7th9 09:15:34
My Closure:
Friday at 2:00pm I met with Tom for closure at a therapist office. (Relationship therapist).
I had met with the therapist at0:00am that morning as well to portray what I had wanted to accomplish with Tom that afternoon.
I wanted to accomplish 3 things - (1) To not cry/become emotional/beg for him
(2) To hear from my MM his true feelings for me
(3) To decide on a "last time together alone" closure meeting.
I arrived at our 2:00pm meeting early to get myself calm and together and I watched as he
Drove by the office and park his vehicle around the block as if to hide it. It had been over a month since I had seen him and when he walked in the waiting room - it was alarming, he smiled and walked over and said hello. We small talked on the directions and the magazine I had in my hand, and he stated he had lots of butterflies. We went in to the meeting and both sat together on the sofa - many times looking each other straight in the eye. He was very open, sincere and talkative. All my questions were answered and he expressed great care and concern. I was very in control and never allowed my emotions to explode. It was true closure and I sat there wanting show much to grab him and to just scream to him "LOVE me forever and BE with me FOREVER". But I didn't.
This would be the closest we would ever get to a happy ending. I will never trade all the wonderful moments and I believe that each person we meet in life - makes us each the people we become. I made Tom a better person and he made me a better person. We agreed to a "last date" that we would have for a formal goodbye that will take place in 2 weeks. I will patiently await his email for the details of that last date. As we stood to exit this meeting on Friday - he reached over and grabbed my hand and squeezed it and we rose and embraced. It hurt - It still hurts - But I am allowing the wounds to finally heal and I have ACCEPTED that he will not be back in my life. The glimmer of hope will always remain in me that he will come charging back............BUT as I very well know, hey will not.
Not the way that I him to.
I pray that I gain enough strength to walk away and never look back.
When I am old and thinking of my life, it is NOT the pain I will be remembering.

June0th,9

I am having a tough day. I do not want to backslide. I have not contacted Tom in any form since last Friday when we saw each other at the Therapist meeting. He said he will contact me by next Friday to set up our "last date' meeting. I have gone 6 FULL days, a record for me to refrain. I want so badly to just email and say hello and ask how he is doing.
EVEN though I know it could very well lead to us NOT seeing each other for a final goodbye next week. I feel like a drug-addict. I want to just wake up from this bad nightmare and it all be over.
I want to be very honest with whoever is listening....... Today has been really bad........And I have been so proud of myself for being strong .........But I actually drove over to my sisters house this morning and when she went out on a errand, I dug all through her house - trying to locate MY Gun. I gave it to her and her husband when Tom and I split up 6 weeks ago in order to not hurt myself.
I was like a crazy person searching her house this morning looking for my gun - that I heard them say once they locked away. I actually found the big locked box that I think they stored it in the bottom of their bedroom closet. Then I race all over the home searching for the key to open it ....... Looking every where for the key to open that box and sneak my gun out and take it home with me. I could not find the key.
Now I am home - and I have 8 guests arriving here soon for a day at the pool and grilling lunch out. I will put on my happy face and hide the torment.
I wanted to go to his job and shoot myself in the head right in front of him.
God help me.

Thursday June7th9 08:53:23
"THE LAST DATE" I met with Tom for a "last date alone - goodbye" meeting. We met at a State Park Facility today at noon. A park with swimming, picnic tables, and a playground. I was nervous, it being the 2nd time since we had seen one another since the split, once 2 weeks ago, in my therapist office and then today. I was nervous, but emotionally I was numb. I dressed very casual in shorts and sneakers and of course arrived early and prepared myself. It was real pretty there and it was nice outside today. When he walked up, my heart sank, and I walked toward him to meet him. He looked tired and almost haggard in a way, I suppose it has had a great effect on him as well.

We small talked of course at first about the park and I even made the comment that he looked liked he had gained a full hair of Grey. (Not really - just alot of white tips showing) He stated he needed a haircut and had not been able to see his barber and that was why the Grey tips were showing so much.

He walked up with a bag from a sandwich shop, and another small bag, and a bottle of coke for himself and bottled water for me. We sat down across from each other at the picnic table, and ate the lunch he had brought. We discussed my Trial next week and discussed business alittle. After lunch, he picked up the envelope with his name on it that I had brought and had laid on the table, and I said, "you can read it later", he said that he wanted to read it now. As he read it, I fumbled with my shirt and stared at the squirrels eating the rest of my sandwich on the ground. My heart was pounding and I wanted to reach out and touch him, BUT did not dare.
My focus was to be strong and accomplish a true goodbye.

My letter read:
Dear Tom, I prepare this farewell letter with great sadness, but strength. You and I will soon be together today for our last time together to say goodbye, and I am prepared to do this without pain to you or I. I have always stated many times to you, that I wanted the memories of our special friendship to be fond, and thought about in our old age. This last time together will seal that for us.
I wonder how you will be today,
I wonder how you will act.
I hope that you will be the sweet man that I once knew today.

Tom, you helped me to bare my soul. You have made me a better person and I will forever carry that with me through life. I look back at it all now - the pain and the aspirations. You were so open with me and I am grateful that you were also able to share your hurts and secrets with me, that you had never shared with another.

Never knowing till I loved you Tom, I have come to know that the root of my problem was my extravagant need for approval and love, which I felt for the first time in my life with you. You approved, loved and adored me. Once I had that - I never wanted to let go.

I know that this all stems from my estranged relationship with the first man in my life, my father. My father - It was that relationship that set the path for my life and being loved. I decided early on to never love a man and to never allow myself to be loved. I have ALWAYS had the ability to withdraw affection in almost all areas of my life. Then, knowing you - I trusted and opened and all those years of never expressing love and affection poured out and I was not able to s it all. You tried so hard to do the right thing and to make sure I didn't hurt, Thank you.

I have never felt adored Tom. And you MADE me feel Adored many times and to lose that scared me. You made me feel special and that I was contributing something to your life that meant something. How gratifying - It was a feeling that I had never known. Under pressure of my own insecurities and constant criticism of myself after the abortion - I lost it. I am sorry for the pain and destruction, and the broken promises…. I am forever sorry Tom.

Sometimes at home, I will be in the kitchen and I can remember you there with me smiling and making me laugh and reaching into me and bringing out the good part of me. And I smile to myself and I wonder how you are right at that moment. I do not want you to worry about me, Because I am stronger now and have accepted it all. I felt it necessary to try and explain to you in this letter what happened to me and why I broke down so badly.

You see, it wasn't because you did anything wrong, it was all because it felt so wonderful which made it wrong.

If only - God could have given you to me without any complications, I would have been blessed.

If you were to ask me if there is anything that you could give me to always keep as we part our paths, my requests would be:
~ That you will sometimes think of me and smile ~
~ A promise of when you get real old - you will track me down and fill me in on your life ~
~ November 9,9 will be a tough time for me. I do not know if you realize it, but that was the due date for our child. It would be nice if I hear from you that day, but totally understandable if you choose not to. ~

Tom, I cannot imagine nor do I ever plan to love another - I want to work on loving myself.
I will ALWAYS love you Tom and I will never forget you.
I will forever hold you in my heart and think of you often,
And wish all good wonderful things enter your daily life.
"Thank you for giving me part of you for awhile"
Farewell my special friend
Love always, Candace

When he was done reading, he had tears in his eyes and I quickly tried to change the subject to the squirrels eating the bread. He left the letter open on the table and I reached over to fold it and put it away and he grabbed my hand and said, "I would like to talk".

He told me he loved me and that he always would and that even though we may not be in touch - that he will always think of me daily and be concerned for me. No false hopes or any destructive behavior was displayed today and there were points that we were able to laugh about some of what had happened. He said that had our relationship/affair ended "calmly and quietly", that he knows eventually he would have had another affair down the road. Due to the exposure and great pain that so many have gone through, that HE will never betray his marriage again.

He has committed to his wife that he will be true and they have alot to work on. He says that he has alot to repair in his life, he still needs to sit down and talk to his daughter and son, as well as his parents and his siblings, all that he was very close to, but he has not spoken to, since they learned of our affair. I wished him well in all that he had that laid ahead of him.

He said to me, "To not be with my wife any longer, means I will also lose my daughter, my son, my own parents and my siblings. It's not just a marriage that I will no longer have, but my entire family that I love."
How could I argue with that?
Not that I wanted to try.
My words continued to be - "I understand Tom".

He pulled from the smaller bag that he brought, a letter handwritten from his Wife to me. I was stunned at first and I opened and read it in front of him. She acknowledged that she was aware of "our" last meeting today and that it had her blessings. She felt that Tom could not move on to rescue their marriage and relationship without closing out "our" wounds today. She also took some responsibility of some of the affair, stating that she too had given up in the marriage and was basically living a lie with him, and deep down knew that he was turning his emotions and feelings toward another because she was not able to accept him in her arms.
One of her sentences read "Tom came to me this week, it was the first time in 4 years, since our son's funeral that I have seen him cry, he confessed that he had made plans to meet with you for goodbye. And that it was something he really needed to do. I had to accept as hard as it has been on me, that he was still closed up, and that he needed to see you to close the open wounds to allow he and I to work on our marriage."
I did not know what to say about the letter, for the words were shocking and I could almost feel her pain. There was no bitterness or anger in her letter. And as she wrote in her letter, "After talking to Tom, I understand why he choose you Candace".

We were there for over 2 hours and it was I that said - "we need to go now". When we walked out of the park, he handed me a CD that he had bought for me and asked me to listen to it as I drive away. He stated that he had bought 2 copies, one for him and me. We stood side by side by our cars forever it seemed and then he reached over and hugged me, when I went to say "goodbye", he said "No - don't say that". He said "We are not going to say goodbye, it's over, but we will see each other again in time". His statement was not at all meant to keep me hanging, it was just a fact of life, that sometime somewhere our paths will cross again without emotion, pain or destruction.

After our hug, he asked me if I was okay, and I said firmly I am fine, I am glad we did this today. He said that he felt it was the right thing to do, and also said if he had asked00 people should he meet with me today, they would have all advised "no", but he said he went with his gut feeling. I then slipped on my sunglasses and he said "I still don't like those sunglasses, they hide your pretty eyes". At this point, I really needed them, because my eyes were full of tears.

The sun was shining and he said, you should put your down and enjoy the sunshine, he helped me put the down in my VW and as he walked away - he said "don't forget to listen to that CD, # 4".

He walked over to his truck one car length away. When I got in the drivers seat he was looking over from his smiling and waving as was I. I looked at the CD he had handed me and it was "Sara Mclauglin - "MirrorBall, "Will you remember me" was # 4 and he had circled it and put his initials by it. I put it in and turned it up.

We backed out at the same time, and he said out his window, I should allow you to pull out first, and I said that would be the southern thing to do Mr. xxxxx.
The winding road out of the state park was long and I drove slow with the wind blowing and holding in all the pain, and listening to the words on the CD that he gave me, I kept my eyes in the rear mirror looking at him, as we traveled down it together. As we approached the Guard shack near the exit, I pulled over and he pulled ahead in front of me. I jumped out and said "'Can I have a kiss goodbye?" (It was my only sign of weakness today), he said "absolutely", he stepped out on the street and kissed me softly and we stepped back in our cars.

He was now ahead of me, and it was he now looking in his driver mirror at me, and he made a gesture with his finger on his lips for me to "smile" and I did. Seconds later he pulled out onto the highway and was gone.

I drove and drove with the wind blowing and that beautiful song he gave me and cried, but I didn't cry hard. I hurt, but no where near as bad as in the past, part of my tears were happy ones of the last 2/2 hours that we had spent together for the last time.