ShadowDreamer

My story begins in the summer of my twenty-first year. I met a kind,sweet and gentle (ten years) older man. I was new to town, and had beendating someone rather seriously for a while when I met the man I haveloved for eleven years now. The guy I was dating was one of those machoguys who liked to make sure you knew where your place was if you were awoman. My self esteem was in the toilet, and I didn't know quite how toget away from the relationship I was in, but I was trying. I met my MMduring the beginning of the end. They knew each other, and my MM who wasnothing more than a friend at the time had told me how worried he wasabout me. The night that I broke off with the boyfriend, MM happened tobe in the bar that he owned. At the end of the night, the b.f. wasgetting more and more worked up about being "humiliated" by little ol'me and he made the comment that he was going to go teach me a lesson.

I was fast asleep in bed when I heard a loud knock at my door followedby nons ringing of the doorbell. When I got to the door, I found MMstanding there with a strange look on his face. He told me to get mydaughter up, and get in the truck with him. When I asked why, he told methere was no time to explain... JUST DO IT. As my daughter and I weregetting into his truck, I heard a screech of tires up the block. Youguessed it, it was the ex b.f. and he was PISSED.Well, MM took me to the sheriff's office where he proceded to explainthe nights events to both me and the deputy sherrif. By this time I wasscared to death, and very grateful that I had gotten out of there when Idid. I was no stranger to my ex b.f.'s temper.

After we filed a complaint, MM took me back to my house and stayed thenight there, on the couch. I found it very hard to sleep, but tried forthe sake of my frieghtened three year old. A few times before dawn, Iheard him get off the couch to come check on us. Looking back on thatnight, I realized that was the first time I knew there was much morethere than just a friendship, but we remained friends nonetheless. Iknew he was married, and didn't want to be "the other woman" and Ididn't want to confuse romance and rescue. He was content to be friends.Sometimes, he would come over to watch a movie, or to help me out withsomething that was broken around the house... or just to talk. I learnedall about his marriage, how his wife had been pregnant when theymarried, and being brought up in a catholic family, chose to do the"right thing" by her. They had been married for twelve years and hadthree children all together. He was a farmer near the small town welived in and knew everyone. He was handsome, at 6'3" with ice blue eyesand thick black hair. Although he had a deep voice, he was verysoftspoken with me and always sweet and willing to listen, or giveadvice.Over two years time, there was not much we didn't know about eachother. He was always a gentleman to me, there just seemed to be anunspoken understanding that we both abided by.

By the time I was twenty three, I had been dating again. MM always hadto meet the men I dated, and he was always honest with me about hisopinions. I had been dating one man in particular for quite some timewhen we became serious. MM and he got to know each other, and heapproved. You see, by this time, I did not have any awareness of aburning desire for MM, because I had set my boundaries, and I was goingto stick with them. We all need good friends, and he was one of thebest.

After I became engaged, MM's visits became less frequent. At the time,I didn't think much of it, after all, my fiance was taking up more of mytime. My daughter adored him, and he was so very good to us. I wasreally falling in love with this man.

One night, when my fiance was at work, MM sped by to see us. He camein the house, just like he always had, sat down on the couch and startedmaking small talk. We talked about life, we talked about work, we talkedabout his marriage... we talked until two in the morning. When he gotup to leave for the night, I walked outside with him. It was a warm Junenight, and there was a full moon in the sky. I will never forget thesmell of the fresh cut hay in the field next to our house. As I steppedoff the porch, he turned to me, took my face in his hands and kissed mein a way that I had never known. Time absolutely stood still, and I wasbreathless for a moment. I didn't know what to think... and I didn'tknow what to do... I just reacted. Before I knew it, my hand hadconnected with his face, and he stood there, stunned. I began to cry,and shake. It was the first time I had ever come face to face with myreal feelings, and I was angry. He looked at me for a moment beforesaying "I love you" and turning to leave. I was numb. I watched himdrive away, not knowing what to think.

I didn't see him again for about a week, and I never said a word to myfiance. The following week, I was busy getting the house ready for mywedding. My soon to be father in law was at the house with my daughterand I helping out. I heard MM's truck pull in the drive and I began toshake. After I made introductions, he asked if he could speak with mealone. We went outside and talked. He told me he was sorry if he hadhurt me, and then he said he wouldn't apologize for loving me. I toldhim then and there that things had changed for us. We could never goback to what we were, and we couldn't move foward, because I was goingto be married at the end of the week. I told him I would not be "theother woman" in the picture and I wouldn't want him to leave his wifeonly if he felt I would be there for him. I asked him to leave me alonefrom now on... and he did.

A year later, my husband and I had a new baby. We found out that shehad Cerebral Palsy when she was two months old. It was the hardest thingin my life that I had ever had to deal with, and it took it's toll onour marriage. He began to drink heavily, and I had my own way ofavoiding issues. I was not happy with the way things had turned out, infact, I was really really angry.

MM had heard about our baby through some mutual friends, and he calledme one day, just to see if I was okay. (Of course I was not okay) Justlike a year earlier, he was there for me. He listened to me cry, andrant and rave. He let me know that it was okay. He was my best friendagain, and I despretely needed that in my life.

During one of our long talks, he mentioned the night he had kissed me.He asked if I would listen to him now, give him a chance to explain. Ilistened as this man poured out his heart and soul to me. I listened ashe told me how very much he was in love with me, and that even after ayear, the feelings had only become stronger. I listened as he cried andtold me he was so torn and that he never wanted to hurt me. Everythingthat came out was exactly what I was feeling, and it hit me then howmuch I really loved him too.We made love that night for the first time with our bodies. It wasnothing short of beautiful. He stayed with me and held my littledaughter when she woke up at four in the morning, and he held me as Icried all the tears I had held in for so long. How could I not love thisman. We belong to other people, but just as much, we belong to eachother.

At one point during our relationship, we left our spouses for a while.It was hard on both of us, and we relized that we were not doing it forthe right reasons. When I leave, I want to leave because it is the rightthing for me to do, and I want the same from him. His wife knows aboutme, and my husband knows about him, although neither of them know thedeep connection we have, I know it is difficult. Life had no easyanswers, and it is not always best to do "the right thing".

So here I am. Some days are good, and some are not so good. I know thatI am not alone in how I feel because of others who have shared theirstories here, and you don't know how good that feels for me. I will keepgrowing, and learning, and I will keep loving this other man in my life,because I know it is right... and God, I do love him.Back to Stories