Regretful

I have been having a turbulant affair with a persian man for year now. I used to be self confident, assertive and independant. I am now depressed and sometimes I am inconsolable. I did a total80 degrees when I became involved with this man. If he told me to stand on my head in the sun all day, I would have with a smile on my face. We met at the gym and from the beginning, when we were just friends, I saw signs of jealousy. I thought that it was cute, at first. After we started having sex, he became controlling, posessive and he would come unglued if I spoke to anyone at the gym (that was male).

He made it clear at this gym, that we were seeing each other. Yes everyone there who knew me, knew I was married. I was so taken with him that I didn't see what was ahead for me. I was in love with the idea of him, he was everything that my husband wasn't. He lavished me with small gifts at first and around christmas he loaded my car down with gifts, I was actually embarrised by the number of gifts. I took them to work and my girlfriend and I sat in my office unwrapping them. Then the letters, cards and notes started coming to me. He seemed to be opening up to me showing me what was on his inside. I fell in even more. My husband was the total opposite and he was on fire with me and I did exactly what he told me to do. He would call me at work at least 5 times a day and would keep me on the phone for a long period of time. I work in a doctors office (billing) and sometimes if i had to put him on hold he would get mad and hang up, when i would call him back - IMMEDIATLEY - he would tell me not to put him on hold, he doesn't want to wait. I'm surprised that I didn't get fired. I kept up my job pretty good. No one questioned me - well almost: I met him everyday in the morning at the gym,before work, at lunch time and sometimes after work. One day one of the doctors I work for came in close to my lunch hour and he started giving me dictation. I kept my eyes on the clock and the closer to lunch time, the slower he gave dictation. I sped several times to try to reach him on his car phone to tell him I would be just a couple of minutes late, not to get mad. I was flustered and upset but I thought I did a okay job of covering it up. After I left the doctor asked my girlfriend that I work with what was wrong with me? I seemed dispondant. After that, I made sure that my job came first as much as it could, making sure that he came first. Sick - right? One day I told him that I couldn't see him for lunch that I had a meeting to go to. He was furious and told me that he would not see me the rest of the week, that was my punishment. I apologized profusely ,as I always did and he relented and saw me the rest of the week. About this time, we (he) decided we would take a whole day and be together. I went all out for this special day, he gave me money (lots) and told me what he wanted (i.e. fresh squeezed juice, fruit, candles, bubble bath, etc.) and i ran around town like a mad woman planning everything just so-so and booked a beautiful room at a hotel. I filled it with everything he requested, candles everywhere. All the while hiding this from my husband. The big day, (I was supposed to be at a all day seminar in another town) he brought me roses, he gave me money to buy langerie (only the best), I was dressed and waiting for him in the room that morning with one catch, he would only come to the room if: I caught him in his car on the cell phone in a fifteen minute span, which he told me 8AM to 8:15, I had to ask him to come to the hotel room. Of course I caught him and he came up. Until this time he had been very gentle with me making love. Today was different. He was a little bit rough with me. I came away with bruises, cuts on my lips along with blood bisters on the inside of my lips from him biting me. I never looked at it that way then, to me that day was so special to me and I fell even more in love with him. He was upset at me the next day, he had thumbprint bruises on his shoulders from me trying to hold him off of me. He couldn't take of his shirt for a good week, it looked obvious. I didn't realize at the time that I was holding him off of me, or I didn't care. To me that day was the best time we ever spent together. Stupid Huh? After that it became increasingly rougher. not so much that I thought I was being abused, but now i look back, it became rougher. His wife was on to us about this time, she investigated and found out everything about me, work, home, who my husband was, where he worked. She placed a call to my husband, but he wasn't in the office and she played the poor pittiful crying wife routine to my husband's employee. She told him everything. When he came home that night he was questioning me, did I know this person and his wife? I lied, "no I didn't". He even called their home number and he got my lover on the phone and he said that someone was playing a joke on him. Somehow I got out of that situation. I don't know how to this day. I think the only thing that saved me was that my husband was almost deathly ill with the flu. I'm sure it never went out of his head, but he didn't pressure me about this woman calling his job. My lover and I (I hate to call him lover, to me at the time he was everything) were full speed ahead we didn't miss a beat, we kept on seeing each other as we had before. Only his wife didn't let it go so fast. She was still investigating (she followed me from my house one day), she had the phones tapped (yes she really did, the tapes prove that). About this time I found out I was pregnant with my lovers baby. I had wanted a baby for so long, I had a miscarriage two years prior. I told him right away (against the wishes of my friend) he knew that I was before I did, he kept asking me if I felt dizzyand etc, etc. He was upset at first, he is 47 years old and has a daughter already. I am 32 and childless. This was the first thing that I defied him on. I put my foot down - I was keeping this baby. He still continued to torment me for about a week, saying he was ready to tell our spouses about this baby and he would not let another man raise his baby and on and on. I let him do this to me. I let him leave me in tears over this more time than I care to think about. My husband was excited at first,(I still wonder if he thinks about the paternity of that baby) then he was worried about money and all of that. I was getting it at both ends. A week later I had a miscarriage about the same time his wife confronted me in my office. I'll never forget this. We had all finally come to terms with the fact that I would have a baby and both men were now happy about it (I think, I threatened to leave town and my lover quickly changed his tune). He had just left my office when he ran into his wife. She had been listening to our phone calls and knew when he would come to my office and she was trying to catch him there. She did. He called me from his car to warn me, to tell me not to tell her anything. She came in and the only thing I could think about was protecting him. I lied my ass off and she finally left. All this time she knew that I was pregnant and she was waiting it out for the right time to strike and gather evidence, she got it all right - on tape. that weekend I had the miscarriage. I was devistated. We kept away from each other for awhile. Seeing each other less and less. His wife did call my husbands job again and spoke with him. she told him that she had tapes and she could prove we were still seeing eachother. He hung up on her, called me at my office and told me to get a good lawyer I was going to need one. He has backed down on the divorce. I would still, to this day, leave him for this man. Knowing what I know now, I'm still weak. The last time we were together, about a week ago, I left him with a dread inside of me and cuts on my lips with bruises on my legs. I knew that if I didn't end this it would be the end of me. I had tried two times before to break things off with him. He would just get irrate and once he grabbed and pushed me around at the gym. This time, I faxed him a letter. Yep - the next morning (today) he was waiting for me at the gym. At first he treated it as if I was just mad at him for not spending enough time with me. When I let him know that it was really over this time, he did get irrate, but a friend (a cop) of his was in the gym and came over to us and after asking was there a problem, he left. I was there in all my glory standing in the middle of the gym, yes - looking like an idiot for putting up with this shit, when I don't even let my husband say "boo" to me. I guess that I was just glad he didn't get ahold of me this time. His friend said I should think about getting a restraining order. I still say I don't need one but I'm still in that euphoria of this man. At least I haven't cried since this morning. I haven't had thoughts of hopelessness and I'm still here. For now that's all I can be thankful for. I am starting to wake up. I realize that the way he treated his wife, with no regard, that someday I would be the one that he diregards. It was starting to happen. I should have realized that when he grabbed my arm, early in the relationship, and told me to never pull away from him and left bruises that he was volatile. I've ruined almost everything in my life. I'm only pieces of what I used to be and I'm very weak. Today I feel like I can look forward to certain things in my life. Right or wrong, I want to have a baby with my husband someday, I want to look ahead of me instead of behind. Tomorrow, I hope that I can get through tomorrow as well as today.